One Size Fits Most
by SilverFreckles
Summary: A series of random one-shots, all humor. Or at least my attempt at it. New: Punch Cards! Pouncival, tired of being the butt of everyone's jokes, decides to take REVENGE! Yelling, short attention spans, and pointy rocks are involved...sort of.
1. The Power of Friendship!

**Title**: One Size Fits Some

**Author**: SilverFreckles

**Rating**: K+, for future chapters

**Disclaimer**: The musical Cats isn't mine. Three cats named Thomas, Brosia, and Biscuit are, but they don't appear here.

**Summary**: A series of random one-shots, all humor, or at least my attempt at it. Some may be more funny than others.

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**The Power of Friendship!** What if "Magical Mister Mistoffelees" wasn't Tugger's first idea after Macavity abducted Old Deuteronomy?

_Please note: Pouncival's song should be sung to the tune of "Seasons of Love" from _Rent_.  
_

* * *

Demeter carefully wound her way through the dark to get back to her mate's side. She had to get Munkustrap back on his feet if they were ever going to have a chance to get Old Deuteronomy back from Macavity.

"STOP!" The Rum Tum Tugger leapt dramatically in front of Demeter, paws outstretched, blocking her way to Munkustrap. "You shall not pass!"

She couldn't believe this. What did Tugger think he was doing? "Get out of my way, Munkustrap needs help."

"You won't get near him with your black magic!"

Demeter's mouth fell open. "Black…magic? Don't be ridiculous, it's just a bandage and some salve."

"Ha! You can't fool me!" Tugger puffed his chest out and towered over her. "We don't need your voodoo science. We will heal him…with the power of friendship!"

This was getting far too ridiculous. "Oh, let me through," Demeter tried to push past him, but he caught her and held her back.

"You are no longer needed, Sorceress! All we need is friendship-and Pouncival's lovely singing voice!"

On cue, Pouncival bounded up onto the tire, and sang with all his might-his voice very off-key and cracking at the high notes. "Five hundred, sixty-five, sixteen, six hundred minutes! Three thousand, splitting up biscuits seventy times! Five hundred, sixty-five, sixteen, six hundred minutes! Moments and measures, and…seasons of loooooooove!"

"There!" Tugger finally released Demeter and wiped a tear from his eye. "Now you'll see. He'll be fine."

Demeter just stared at Tugger and Pouncival for a moment. "I don't…I can't…I don't…_what?_"

"Demeter!" Tugger grabbed her again and shook her, frantically trying to make eye contact even though he was shaking her so hard her head was flopping back and forth. "She's not focusing! She must be injured! Quick! Pouncival! Second verse!"

"_NOOOOOOO!"_

_

* * *

_

_Ummm…yeah…that was…I'll just go away now._

_Credit for the "Power of Friendship" and "Lovely Singing Voice" jokes have to go to Little Kuriboh, creator of Yu-Gi-Oh Abridged on Youtube (account name CardGamesFTW). The man is absolutely brilliant...very much worth checking out.  
_


	2. Ytivacam's Not Online

_Thank you_ **SummerRose12** _for being the first person to review! Hope you like the second chapter!_

Err…I know I said the next story had Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer but this one jumped to the front of the line…I wrote it very late at night after I MISSED THE PASSWORD ONE TIME! ONE TIME! AND YOU CAN'T TELL ME THOSE WERE REAL WORDS! (Grrrr.)

_(same disclaimer applies as the first chapter)_

_

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_**Ytivacam's Not Online **While trying to log in to her favorite website, Jemima finds her way blocked by a most nefarious plot.

_All misspellings are on purpose...mostly.  
_

* * *

Jemima carefully crept down the stairs, thankful that the house had finally fallen silent.

She wasn't really supposed to be up this late, but with both her parents and her nosy sister finally asleep it was time for Jemima to engage in some…extra-curricular activities.

She booted up the family computer, hoping no one would be woken up by that annoying Windows start-up trill.

And…there…once the virus scanner, instant messenger, random video game registration prompt, and that one annoying pop-up reminding her that an update was available for the internet browser they'd stopped using sometime last year…well, once all the pop-up windows had popped-up and been dealt with she was ready to log on to the internet.

She had a brand new chapter of her fan fiction complete and wanted to post it before someone found it. Since she saved all her in-progress chapters in the computer as "Taxes '06-'09" she figured it would be okay, but…better safe than sorry.

But now the new chapter was ready to post, especially since she'd last left her readers on a cliff-hanger after Legolas had spent thousands of years trapped in a cat's body only to wind up as the key witness to a Las Vegas showgirl's murder (she exclusively wrote _Lord of the Rings_ and _CSI_ crossover stories). She quickly checked her email (three reviews!) and moved on to log in and update her story.

Oh. It was over three days since her last login. Well, no matter…all she had to do was put in her username and password.

And she did. Only to be kicked back to the login screen and politely informed that her password was incorrect.

Well, no wonder. Jemima noticed she had hit the caps-lock button while typing…so half of her password had been capitalized rather than lower-case.

She typed the username and password in again, and huffed out a breath of annoyance when she realized she had to verify her identity with one of those "prove you're not a spambot" word puzzles.

So she filled out the space. _Frazzled_ and_ illegible_. Hit enter.

And got kicked back again. Jemima frowned, typed everything in again, even the verification words (_swizzle_ and _zot_ this time).

No luck. Well…was her password wrong? No, couldn't be, she knew she hadn't changed it (Pouncival still had no idea she was JellicleMoonsong, even though he'd reviewed her story twice…no one else in the tribe could be GonnaBeTugger…and apparently Pouncival 'shipped Catherine and Gimli).

She tried again. And made a face. Those certainly weren't real words. _Baktikavka_? _Slenis_? She clicked the refresh button.

Was that…_tr4in_ and _vejitable_? Who came up with these things?

Why did all of these identity test question sound like rejected band names?

She blinked. Stared at the screen. Tilted her head to one side…yep, it did say that…_jlelkkg _and _irrrron_. Refresh again…

"You've GOT to be kidding!" she yelled, forgetting any and all attempts at being secretive. "THOSE WEREN'T REAL WORDS!" She kept hitting refresh, hoping to get something she could understand.

_Grmall_ and _ellira_…

_Farren_ and _bobiel_…

_Hohenheim_ and _Elric_…

_Gilraen_ and _Arathorn _(no way those were even English)…

Jemima finally resorted to pounding her forehead against the desk. It helped…not that she could now log in, but at least she could pretend it was the source of her headache.

The cheerful double-tone of her email notifier brought Jemima out of her masochistic stupor. She had new mail? Another review?

At least it was a distraction.

Oh. It wasn't a review…it was just a message from another user.

She didn't recognize the user…Ytivacam…but opened the new message anyway.

_How do you like my new security measures?_

_Bwahahahaha!_

_PS: Catherine would never settle for Gimli…everyone knows her heart's set on Vernon Dursley!_

Jemima found herself staring at the screen again, mouth open in horror. Catherine and _Vernon Dursley_? Was he insane? There was no way Catherine would even give that creep the time of day!

Eventually the rest of the message worked its way through her little fan girl mind. "_How do you like my new security measures?"_ So…this Ytivacam was responsible.

But she had no idea who he was! Who could have been so evil as to try to 'ship Catherine and Vernon, and then add on extra security to the site! Who could it be? Who? _Who?_

But when she went to reply to his message, a helpful notation next to his email reminded her...

_Ytivacam's not online. _

_

* * *

AN…yeah, I mistyped my password and had to prove I was human…am I the only one who has trouble reading those "reCAPTCHA" things, or whatever you call them? Sometimes I think there's no way they can be real words…personally, I blame Macavity. Or the insomnia and too much Dr. Pepper.  
_

_So…anyone want to write that Catherine/Gimli fic for Pouncival?_


	3. Punch Cards!

_Disclaimer still applies...I do not own Cats, Microsoft, the SATs, ACTs, tigers, the zoo, or anything else in this story. Except Rika...only, you can't really own a cat, can you? They pretty much just agree to co-exist and that's about it._

* * *

**Title**: PUNCH CARDS!

**Summary**: Pouncivel, tired of being the butt of everyone's jokes, decides to take sweet REVENGE. Story involves yelling, short attention-spans, the SATs, and, of course, Punch Cards.

_Beware: Stream-of-consciousness writing style follows._

* * *

"No! Not again! No! No! No! No! No!…" at this point, it is unnecessary to continue transcribing Pouncival's rant as he just started to repeat the same syllable over and over until it sounded meaningless.

Tumblebrutus waited for an opening. "Something wrong, Pounce?" he asked in a show of utter brilliance that rivaled the sun for its level of sheer…brightness…

At least, that's what it looked like to Rika…but she was only a few weeks old and could be excused for her obvious crush on Tumblebrutus and/or Pouncival.

"I'm tire of being the butt!"

"Ah…okay?" Tumble tried to figure this out…when was the last time he'd made Pouncival wear the back end of a costume? Wasn't it…no, wait, that wasn't a costume; that was the two of them getting stuck in a pipe. "I'll make sure you're the head next time?"

"No! NONONONONONO! The butt of the jokes! The punch line! The comic relief! I'm sick of it!"

"Ah…okay?"

"I won't stand for it any longer!" And then, to prove his point, Pouncival sat down.

Tumblebrutus stared at him for a moment. "So…sitting for it now?"

"No, I'm thinking."

"Well at least you stopped yelling."

"WHAT?"

"Never mind." Tumble threw himself down next to his buddy. "Ouch. Rock."

"Yes. That's my special pointy rock."

"Why do you need a pointy rock, Pounce?"

"For…for pointing things."

"You mean _pointying_ things."

"That, too!" Pouncival nodded in satisfaction, picking up his pointy rock and studying it for a moment. "I keep it just in case I have to take the SATs, you know."

"Really?"

"Yes. Tugger told me I would have to stay sharp. And that I was dumb as a rock. I figured that meant I should sharpen a rock and use it to defeat the SATs."

"I see," Tumblebrutus nodded sagely, not quite following the train of thought of the humorous-but-attention-deficit cat next to him. "And the SATs are…?"

"Some kind of gang. Mostly they battle the ACTs, over near College or that higher school or something."

"And you're going to throw rocks at them?"

"_Rock_. One rock. And it's pointy. See?"

"Huh." Yes, it was a pointy rock. Tumblebrutus watched the pointy rock nervously for a moment, but when it seemed Pouncival was only playing with it and not rehearsing his planned defeat of the mysterious SAT gang, Tumble ventured to introduce another top. "So…wanna go see the tigers at the zoo?"

"Naw. They need manicures."

"Manicures?" Tumble was really confused now. "Why would tigers need manicures, they're the biggest, most fiercest cats around!"

"First, 'fiercest' is not a word, it's 'fiercerest'," Pounce explained with all the patience of someone having to fight past spellcheck to tell a single joke. "And second, they need manicures because they're endangered."

"I didn't know that. Tigers are endangered?"

"Yes. So they manicures to make them immune to people."

Tumblebrutus blinked. Pouncival's mind, as always, was a bit hard to follow. "So…manicures make you immune to people?"

"Well, just the male people…the men…why do you think women get them all the time? Makes them immune to men's charms."

"I see."

Well…in all honesty he didn't see, nor did he understand…in fact he was pretty sure that Pouncival _deserved_ his title of comic relief.

"And don't get me started on Microsoft!"

Tumblebrutus jumped a little at the sudden outburst. "Microsoft?"

"I said don't get me started!" Pouncival was yelling. Again. "They upgrade their operating systems time and time again, except each time it gets a little more frustrating and pretty soon you're trying to use the latest idiot-proof version of their software to make a time machine to go back to old-fashioned q-dos and binary programming and punch cards!"

"Punch cards!" Tumble had no idea what Pounce was talking about…as usual…but he sounded so emphatic. "Er, wait…what does this have to do with you not being the butt of everyone's jokes anymore?"

Pouncival, serenely studying his pointy rock, finally made eye contact with his buddy. "Butt of everyone's jokes?"

"Yes…you were ranting about that earlier?"

"…was I?" Pouncival squinted up at the sky, then back at his pointy rock, then deliberately drove his pointy rock into the ground, point first. "Well, let's go find some."

"What? Find what?"

"Punch cards, of course. Can't take revenge without punch cards."

"Ah…okay?" Tumblebrutus climbed to his feet to follow along. "Punch cards?"

"Punch cards."

_The End_

_And don't forget…_

_Punch Cards._

_

* * *

__AN: As for Rika...kind of a long story. See, we just adopted this little kitten, and we named HER Rika (for the character from Air Gear), but then earlier today my fiance was looking at her and said "Oh, wait...she's a he." So instead we named him Kazu, which led to me saying "RIKA'S A KAZU!", much in the same way I wrote half of this story...which means the kitten's name is now Rikazakazu, or Kazu for short. So...yeah, when I wrote the story we thought the kitten was a girl, but now we know the kitten is a boy...but I left it as-is because it makes a better joke.  
_


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